In “The Lion, Witch, and the Wardrobe” by C.S. Lewis, Lucy asks
Mr. Beaver if Aslan is safe. Mr. Beaver
replies, “Who
said anything about safe? 'Course he isn't safe. But he's good.” If you are unfamiliar with this book, Aslan
is an allegorical picture of Jesus. Mr.
Beaver’s words used to confuse me. How
can someone be good, but not safe? I
came to understand that the God who created the universe with just His words
was not to be trifled with. Sort of like
your dad when he said, “I brought you into the world and I can take you
out.” Only much, much more serious.
But
now I’ve come to learn a different, deeper meaning to this. Somewhere I read that the Lord isn’t
interested in making us happy. Instead
He is interested in making us like Jesus.
(I apologize to whoever said this because I cannot remember where I read
it.) And sometimes that is a very
painful process that does not feel very safe at all.
Like
a lot of people, I believed that Jesus had the power to save me. I also believed…sort of…that He had the power
to change me. At least I said I
did. But my actions showed that I
believed that I had to remake myself into someone who manifested all of the
Fruit of the Spirit all of the time.
That is really hard. There is a
reason it is the fruit of the SPIRIT and not the fruit of the WILL. That is because it is impossible to will
yourself into being that.
However,
that did not stop me from trying. And,
as I look around, it doesn’t stop a lot of other people from trying too. I truly believed that I had to earn God’s
approval. Salvation was a gift, but not
approval. And so, I held on with every
ounce in my being. And it worked for
quite awhile. Sort of. Well, not really. But I managed to cover up my foibles from the
outside world. But I knew that I was
totally failing the Lord. And I was sure
that He was watching me and just shaking His head in disgust.
I was
deeply unhappy and started realizing that when I tried to do things in my own
righteousness, I was getting the glory.
I wanted God to get the glory, so I told Him I was going to let Him have
total control. I expected that, even if
everything wasn’t sunshine and rainbows, I would now begin to deal with the
problems that came my way effortlessly.
And, deep down, where I don’t even admit it to myself, I thought there
wouldn’t’ be any problems anyway.
Boy
was I wrong! I expected the Lord to
either calm all of my storms or calm me.
Instead the storms hit harder than ever and I fell apart. I didn’t even like being around me. I was one big raw nerve and so, so
reactive. I think I went a little bit
crazy. Maybe more than a little
bit. I was an absolute and total mess. And partly because of my mess, life got
harder. I started having panic
attacks. It was horrible.
I had
looked at my grand experiment of letting God take control of my emotions as
taking a step off of a cliff, expecting that either there would be something
under my feet or I would be given wings.
But instead, it was like God shoved me right off that cliff and let me
fall and lie at the bottom, broken into pieces.
That’s
not what I signed up for. It’s not what
anyone tells you happens when you start trusting God. Everyone tells you how God shows up and gets
you through. But that is not what
happened to me. God really pushed me off
that cliff.
Why
would He do that? Why would He cause me,
his daughter who was just trying to trust Him, to crash quite publickly. What kind of witness is that! There were a lot of non-Christians watching
this play out. I’m sure this didn’t
cause them to move any closer to the Lord.
“If that’s what being a Christian is, I don’t want any part of it,” was
what I was sure they were thinking.
See? God is not safe. And pushing me off that cliff was certainly
not very nice. But God knew that the
only way to change me into the woman He had always intended me to be was to
cause me to fall apart to the point that I couldn’t fix myself. Only He could bring it about.
And so,
in His goodness, He began picking up my broken pieces and putting me back
together. Sometimes I would think I was
all better, only to find that He would have to break something new. It was not fun. There was pain. There were buckets of tears.
But now
I’m not the woman I was a few years ago.
I’m so glad not to be her any more.
I know that I cannot hold myself together. Ever. And
I don’t need to any more. I am amazed at
my current ability to manage the stress that comes my way. Things that used to overwhelm me no longer
do. Things will happen and I will wait
to see when the anger is going to erupt, but it rarely does. Because I am the recipient of much grace, I
am much more willing to give out grace to others. And I am much happier. Truly happy and full of joy, not the weak
substitute that I used to manufacture on my own.
I can’t
give you a step-by-step plan to go from crazy to sane. There is no step-by-step plan. I just went to Jesus and asked Him to help me
love Him more, for Him to be more real to me, and for my life to be centered
around Him. I asked him to reignite my
sense of awe in who He is. I read the Bible.
I prayed.
Looking
back, He was not very nice to me. He
hurt me and caused so much anguish in my life.
But He was at work to turn me into a woman after His own heart, who
knows that her only hope for sanity is in Him.
When things do bother me, I know that the way out is through Him. My Bible has become my refuge. So, I am thankful for the process, no matter
how hard it was to live through.
If
things are hard for you right now. If
you feel like God has pushed you off a cliff to break apart, He probably
has. And the new you that He is
fashioning is so much better than anything you could have done in your own
power. It is worth the pain. Aslan is indeed on the move, and He is not
safe.
By Elisa Gray
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