Today is not really the first day I've attempted at surrendered living, but it is the day I've dedicated to starting the journey publicly.
Today is my 36th birthday, the first day of the 37th year of my life. Looking back, I wonder how much of those years I've wasted. I don't think on it too long, because I know at least the better part of the first twenty were wasted. And seven of those were after I met Christ, but long before I truly began living for Him. Who didn't squander away the first two decades of their life, you might ask. I don't know. A lot of that era was me becoming who I am now. But a lot of that time also created a person in desperate need of God, His forgiveness, and His guidance.
For the last decade and a half, I've steadily drawn closer to God, and increased my desire for Him, to do His will and live for His glory. But submission and surrender don't come naturally to me. Not even close. My flesh fights it every day, and many days I give in. It's so much easier to live a comfortable, complacent life. To turn on the TV instead of open the Bible. To roll over and go back to sleep instead of spend time in prayer. To try harder instead of lean more. And messages we're assaulted with every day tell us we can do it: we can do it all, have it all and be it all, if we simply try harder or get the right tools. But God wants more.
He wants more for me.
He wants more for you.
I read biographies of men and women of great faith and am awed at what God does in their lives. They're blessed beyond measure, but often not in financial or other worldly ways. They're blessed in many other ways, more eternal way. The most important blessing, however, is the presence, guidance, and fulfillment of the Holy Spirit. That's what I want. That's what I want to want.
Now, I simply have to get myself to cooperate.
So today I began. I didn't completely succeed, but gratefully, God has taught me this is a journey. I only have to take a few more steps each day. My goal is to completely surrender every aspect of my life to Him. Everything. What I watch on TV. What I listen to on my ipod. What books I read. How much time I spend doing these things. The words that come out of my mouth. The thoughts I let stick around in my head. The things I write, cook, eat, play. Am I really willing to surrender these minute details to God's direction?
I want to be.
And that's what this journey's about. I invite you to join me, share with me, and (I'm always open to) encourage me.
I step through this door knowing that things won't suddenly be easy. My flesh will not suddenly give way and let my desires win out. But I also know that what God has in store for me is greater than I could ever work towards or even imagine myself.
Here I go.